Lenten Reflections #23
March 14, 2026
I listen to podcasts about topics I think will make me smarter – be a better listener, ask clever questions, you know, say things that matter. I listen, and then I forget what all of those scholars said. I read the New York Times Newsletter on my phone, then I try to summarize a simple story at dinner, I get the first line out, and then…nothing. My mind is cluttered. I keep NPR on while I drive and listen to Steve Inskeep and Lakshmi Singh talk about war and Congress, hoping I’ll catch a story, then realize I’m not really listening and switch to comedian Nate Bargatze – I definitely pay attention to the funny stuff.
I marvel at people like my husband, who are incredible listeners, naturally loaded with thoughtful “yes, I’m listening” questions. I analyze the structure of my conversation patterns. Typically, I make the cardinal conversation sin by asking yes/no questions, which brings all the talking to a screeching halt. Or I destroy the dialogue by focusing on the words and not the content, or, or! THIS IS THE WORST – I think about what I’m going to say to contribute, but then I realize how little I know about the subject, instead of asking questions to clarify and make the speaker feel listened to, therefore rendering me useless to keep the conversation going.
Then I wonder: am I not curious enough? Not focused? Worried about something?
Probably.
Ever feel this way?
So I did some research, and the queen of etiquette, Emily Post, says:
Listen Carefully
Listen not just to the words, but also to the tone.
Maybe if I try to use compassion when listening, I’ll connect with my conversation partner.
Concentrate
Pay close attention to what the other person is saying, no matter how tempted you are to let your mind wander.
This is where I lose my place…I focus on people’s faces. I mean, did she have Botox? Is she using that beef tallow stuff to get rid of those wrinkles? And how in the world does this guy know so much about Picasso or tsunamis or the Old Testament? (The answer is reading. It’s always reading.)
Hear
Now apply an elevated form of hearing that goes beyond the physical words to their meaning—mulling over and absorbing what the speaker is saying, why he is saying it, and what it means…With this step, you become an active participant in an exchange of information, even though you may not yet have uttered a word.
Emily Post lost me on this one. This involves critical thinking. I’m pretty sure I’m critically thinking about either what I’m going to say or what I need to do or what is for dinner. AND if we are exchanging information, it might be like trading a diamond for a penny because I may not know enough to build upon the topic.
Reconfirm
To show you understand, occasionally paraphrase what the speaker is saying. Once you’ve picked up the rhythm of the other person’s speech, you should be able to do this without seeming to interrupt.
Mirror them for God’s sake, listen and restate.
Wait
In conversation, patience is a virtue, and interrupting is a sin. Remember that there’s a fine line between the occasional interruption made to confirm or question a particular point and one that’s made because the speaker is bursting to throw in his two cents’ worth.
Save your two cents.
Question
If you don’t understand something, ask for an explanation or ask for the information to be rephrased.
Who? What? Where? How? Where? Why?
Respond
Use positive body language to show you’re paying attention. Lean slightly toward the speaker, and react to what he says with the occasional nod, smile, or lifted eyebrow.
Make eye contact – and stop wondering why they have no wrinkles on their forehead.
Keep Still
If you’re at your desk, don’t shuffle papers or make a halfhearted effort to continue whatever you’re working on. When standing or seated in an audience, refrain from any distracting gestures…
Pretend you are in tree pose. Don’t move. Let your mind settle in.
What I learned:
Shut up and listen.
Thanks for joining me.
I’m so glad you’re here,
Lucretia
runonmom.com 